The Space Between Us: Naming Incongruence in Nonprofit Work
Zoe sat at the kitchen table, the morning sun casting a golden hue on the worn wood. Across from her, her mother, Linda, sipped coffee from a “World’s Best Mom” mug, a chipped relic from Zoe’s childhood. The silence between them felt heavy, a growing distance filled with unspoken words and misunderstood feelings.
“You’re awfully quiet today,” Linda said, her eyes scanning Zoe’s face.
“Just thinking,” Zoe replied, stirring her chai tea. She wanted to say more, to bridge the gap, but the words felt tangled up.
Linda sighed softly. “If something’s bothering you, you can tell me.”
Zoe hesitated. “But can I though, Mom?”
Linda’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“It feels like you want me to be someone I’m not,” Zoe said softly.
Linda set her mug down. “That’s not true. I just want what’s best for you!”
“I know, but your idea of ‘best’ doesn’t always match mine,” Zoe replied in a more steady tone now. “I need to take a gap year before college. Travel, volunteer abroad–figure out who I am outside of school.”
“But your scholarship—”
“Will still be there in a year – Mom, I need this.”
Linda looked at her hands, the same hands that had bandaged Zoe’s scraped knees and guided her across busy streets as a toddler. “I’m just worried about you,” she admitted.
“I know. But I need to experience the world for myself,” Zoe replied.
Linda nodded slowly, her eyes softening. “Maybe I am holding on too tight.”
“Um yeah. Maybe just a little,” Zoe muttered back.
There would be more conversations and misunderstandings, but this was an honest and healthy start.
Incongruence: When Our Values and Actions Clash
The moment captured in this vignette reflects a common struggle of “incongruence.” Zoe is feeling incongruence with her mother, Linda, because while Linda says she wants what’s best for Zoe , her actions and resistance to Zoe’s own desires—like taking a gap year—send a conflicting message, creating tension and leaving Zoe uncertain about whether she can truly express her needs around her.
Incongruence occurs when there is a conflict between what is expressed outwardly and what is expected internally. In family systems theory, as in nonprofit work, this misalignment creates tension and disconnection. In the world of nonprofits, incongruence often manifests in ways that lead to burnout, ethical compromises, and a growing sense of dissatisfaction. Understanding and addressing these misalignments is the first step to realigning our work with our values. So let’s get into it.
Overwhelm in the Nonprofit World
Post-COVID fatigue, chaotic news cycles, and a rapidly changing work environment have created a sense of overwhelm. We doom-scroll headlines, distract ourselves with Instagram reels, and push through unease, trying to stay productive. For nonprofit professionals, the stakes are even higher. We must adapt to labor market shifts, high staff turnover, integrating new tech, and addressing the evolving needs of those they serve.
And the work feels heavier now. Faster. Fundraisers, in particular, are asked to do more with less, juggling unrealistic “unicorn” roles that stretch them thin. They’re not just raising funds. They are strategizing, marketing, managing events, and leading community engagement, all while meeting ambitious and moving revenue targets. These types of pressures lead to burnout, ethical compromises, and a disconnection from the missions that once inspired them.
This growing incongruence between values and work demands is creating what I call a “crisis of incongruence.” The solution isn’t just more resources—it’s rethinking roles, expectations, and how we support those carrying the weight of our missions. It’s also about naming the incongruence.
Incongruence in Nonprofit Work
Incongruence in the nonprofit sector arises when stated values and actual practices don’t align. These disconnects can create confusion, erode trust, and undermine both staff morale and organizational impact. Here are some examples of how this manifests:
- Claiming to value all donors → but only focusing stewardship efforts on those giving $1,000 or more annually, leaving smaller donors feeling overlooked.
- Saying you want community feedback on your strategic plan → but failing to invite external stakeholders to contribute or provide input.
- Promoting diversity of opinion as a core value → but only offering educational sessions or panel discussions that reflect a single perspective.
- Framing the annual gala as inclusive and not just for major donors → but pricing tickets at levels that exclude community members or grassroots supporters.
- Emphasizing sustainability in your mission → but operating in ways that neglect environmentally friendly practices, like failing to offer remote work options or reduce paper form use.
- Encouraging staff to focus on their priorities → but overwhelming teams with ever-changing projects and demands that make prioritization impossible.
- Highlighting collaboration as a core value → but implementing reward systems that incentivize individual performance over team efforts.
Burnout as a Silent Signal of Misalignment
Eventually, incongruence becomes a cause of burnout. And burnout doesn’t always come with flashing warning lights. It doesn’t scream “Stop!” or throw you into bed for weeks on end. Sometimes, burnout feels quieter, like a faint hum of discontent that you can’t quite pinpoint. It encircles you in a sneaky way.
For years, I brushed off this hum, convinced that my love for nonprofit work, my appreciation for social change strategy, and my joy in inviting others into causes I care deeply about would sustain me. But no matter how much I enjoyed the work, something consistently felt… off.
Then it hit me.
The burnout wasn’t coming from the workload or the back-to-back meetings. It wasn’t the late nights or the never-ending to-do lists. It was something deeper, something harder to confront. It was incongruence—that subtle, gnawing feeling when your actions don’t align with your values. This was a key finding in my sabbatical, taken in fall 2023. For over a decade, I’ve fought against traditional, transactional fundraising practices that I fundamentally disagree with, but even this fight takes a toll. Swimming against the current, even when you believe in the ultimate destination, leaves you weary.
This incongruence breeds exhaustion—not the kind that sleep fixes, but emotional exhaustion. It chips away at your authenticity, makes you question your professional pride, and leaves you cynical about the work you once loved. You find yourself navigating ethical compromises and wondering if the system you’re working within is part of the very problem you’re trying to solve. [The Revolution Will Not Be Funded is a great resource to dive into on this topic.]
But here’s the good news: naming it as incongruence gave me such clarity!
Now I understand why I felt the way I do, and I can do something about it. The incongruence has fueled me to be more intentional about my path forward. Being a part of the Community-Centric Fundraising Movement has been a healing and renewable source of fuel, for example. It has helped me choose to align my work with my values, to seek out environments where authenticity and transparency are not just buzzwords but lived practices.
We often talk about burnout as a personal self-care failure or an inability to “handle the stress,” but what if burnout is less about the individual and more about the structures we’ve built? What if the real cause is a lack of alignment between what we know is right and what we are asked to do?
Reimagining Nonprofit Work as a Call to Action
In the nonprofit world, where mission and purpose should be at the forefront, we can’t afford to ignore the toll of incongruence. If we’re asking staff to stretch themselves, we have to ensure they’re doing so in ways that honor their values, not undermine them.
This isn’t just a individual and personal reckoning but rather a call to action for the sector as a whole. Nonprofits don’t exist to perpetuate outdated systems—they exist to reimagine them. It’s time to ask ourselves:
- How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say that I don’t want?
- Am I honoring the values I claim to uphold?
- Are we creating spaces where people can bring their full selves to ‘the work’ without fear of compromising who they are?
Discontent and burnout due to incongruence doesn’t have to be the end of my story or yours. It can be the beginning of something much better! When we align our actions with our values, we not only rediscover our own purpose–we create the conditions for others to thrive as well.
And in the end, isn’t that what nonprofit work is really all about?
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Michelle Flores – Vryn, CFRE is a nonprofit marketing and fundraising strategist with 15+ years of experience helping organizations amplify their impact. Passionate about creating lasting change, Michelle’s career spans climate change and biodiversity, education, and civic engagement.
A lifelong learner, disruptor, and community-builder, Michelle is a frequent speaker on community-centered fundraising (CCF), bringing a practitioner’s perspective to the future of philanthropy and nonprofit brand building. She believes nonprofits are the entrepreneurs of a better tomorrow, and her mantra, “Building tomorrow by resourcing nonprofits today,” reflects her future-oriented personality.
When she’s not strategizing for mission-driven organizations, you can find her on long walks with her dogs, discussing business strategy with her endlessly patient husband, creating nonprofit memes, or practicing meditation.
Connect with her on LinkedIn.