Connection vs. Deflection: How to have more empathetic conversations with your nonprofit colleagues, donors and beneficiaries
Empathy: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing
the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.
I learned at an early age that in order to cope, I had to build up walls around myself.
As a highly sensitive introvert, combined with a high degree of empathy, I didn’t know how to manage all the feelings I was feeling, so I determined that having no feelings at all would be better than being overwhelmed by feelings.
As you can imagine, although that worked for a while, it also meant I didn’t get to experience the joy and fulfillment that comes from deep, meaningful connections with other human beings.
Connecting with another human can be scary!
Opening yourself up to another person makes you vulnerable to misunderstanding, ridicule and rejection – or worse. That’s pretty scary for some of us.
This can be particularly true in a workplace or business setting. For those of us working in the nonprofit space, there are seemingly endless biases and often conflicting rules about how we should communicate – with our donors, our clients, the public, and our nonprofit colleagues.
It can seem like we must always remain professional, on brand, and sensitive to the ever-changing needs of our clients and donors.
The downside is that you can end up overthinking each and every communication and conversation you have. You might end up being stiff and over-professional in meetings with colleagues or donors, or in your interactions with clients and beneficiaries.
In fact, if you want to examine this even further, we’ve been taught from a very young age that many of our feelings aren’t okay. We need to behave in a certain way in order to avoid getting in trouble. (“Don’t cry. Stop yelling. It’s not that bad!”)
And yet, when you censor or guard yourself too much, it can block your chance to have true, meaningful, feelings-based connections.
Empathetic conversations create meaningful connections.
My goal in writing this article is to inspire you to take your conversations to a deeper level – if you want to, and it feels right for you. Empathetic conversations can help you create more meaningful, impactful and fruitful connections.
You can build stronger networking connections, or delve into your donors’ true motivations for giving. You might find these suggestions helpful when gathering content for a beneficiary story, or during a scheduled one-on-one with a like-minded consultant.
I use these practices in my work every day. I love having authentic, connected conversations with nonprofit donors, beneficiaries, volunteers and staff members. I use these conversions to write compelling communication pieces and fundraising appeals for nonprofits. You can use them in whatever way works best for you.
Ok Rachel, can you just get into it already?
Yes, yes, yes! Here are four tips that will help you on your way to connecting more authentically in your next conversation.
Tip #1: Set yourself up for success!
I like to make sure any meeting or conversation I have is set up for success right from the beginning. If it’s a Zoom or virtual meeting, ideally it’s scheduled for a specific amount of time and you’re clear on what the conversation is going to be about.
Don’t rush into a call straight from another call if you can help it. I like to leave at least 15 minutes of time (or longer) in between calls, where I can reset, walk around, take a few deep breaths to center myself and get clear on how I’d like to be present for the conversation.
If you’re heading into a networking event or face-to-face meeting, you could take a few moments in your car, or on the elevator, to wiggle your toes in your shoes, close your eyes and take a few breaths.
You can take it even further by putting your hand on your heart and setting an intention for how you’d like the conversation to go.
Tip #2: Ask the right questions! (You get what you ask for.)
You can usually get details and facts on what a person does from a LinkedIn profile or website. So I prefer to steer away from questions that focus too much on the easy to find out facts.
You gain more insights into WHO a person IS, when you ask questions that delve into feelings, impacts and motivations.
Here are a few questions you could try out in your next conversation:
“How are you feeling?” (Rather than “How are you doing?”)
“What inspires you about the work you do?”
“What brings you joy, or what do you look forward to each day?”
“What’s one thing that would make your work/life easier/more enjoyable?”
“What keeps you going when times are tough?”
In any conversation you should use your judgement about which questions to ask. I find that I can get into some juicy topics with some people during a first meet and greet – but others may prefer to move more slowly and keep conversation topics on the surface.
You don’t know if you don’t ask, though, right?
Tap into your inner empath and ‘read’ the room. It will be up to you to determine if someone is comfortable opening up and talking about something or not. Pay attention to their body language, or ask outright if they are comfortable with certain subjects or feelings.
Tip #3: LISTEN. (With your ears… and your heart!)
When you’re meeting someone new, or someone you don’t know that well, it can be easy to get nervous and fill space with talking. But…
If you want a true, meaningful connection with the person you’re talking to, it’s vitally important that you take a few deep breaths and try to keep your mouth shut! Do your best to stay present and listen to what the other person is saying – rather than trying to figure out what you’re going to say next.
Take it one step further if you can. Try to listen with your heart.
I’ll put it another way… listen (or feel!) for moments of connection. Moments where you can really relate to or empathize with what the other person is saying. Then make sure to let them know.
In the work that I do, these moments of connection are usually where the core story content is. This is where I find the best content for appeals – the stories that donors are moved by.
Tip #4: Get better at knowing (and sharing) how YOU feel.
It wasn’t until I started slowly opening up and sharing personal things about myself that I began to feel more connected and aligned with the people I was talking to.
If you keep everything on the surface and don’t share anything personal, or continue to deflect attention back on the person you’re talking to, you’re a lot less likely to dive deep.
And yet… it can be tough to connect empathetically with another person when you aren’t really aware of your own feelings.
Some of you reading this may not be all that comfortable with the whole subject of feelings. As I mentioned earlier, we’re taught from a very young age that some feelings are not ok – particularly not in a public setting.
Or, if you’re like me, you may fear losing control of your emotions if you start to share them even a little bit. But, like anything, sharing your feelings is a skill you can practice! Bit by bit, step by step, you can get more comfortable with it – if you choose to.
I recommend starting by taking a moment or two each day to sit quietly, take a few deep breaths and name what you are feeling right now, in this moment. There are a lot of feelings you could be having – and you may be having many at once! (You can check out the Feelings Wheel for help.)
For me, getting in touch with my feelings, and trying to connect more empathetically with others has made my life richer in so many ways. It has made both my writing work and my relationships stronger. It can still be hard some days for me to open up, to take a risk, to be vulnerable and choose connection instead of deflection.
But I do believe it’s worth it.
I hope you can take something from the tips I’ve shared. I encourage you to try them out and create even a little bit more connection in your own conversations. Please feel free to connect with me directly and let me know how it goes. Big hugs and lots of love!
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Rachel Zant
www.penwithapurpose.com
A direct response expert, Rachel has been helping nonprofits raise more money for their important causes for almost 25 years. Her passion is writing engaging and emotionally inspiring copy that helps donors see clearly how their loving gifts help make our world a better place to live.
Rachel has written thousands of direct mail letters, newsletters, emails and landing pages for nonprofits around the world, and conducted hundreds of interviews with donors, beneficiaries, volunteers and staff.
Rachel is a highly sensitive person: a big feeler and dreamer who doesn’t always fit in with the status quo. Small talk in a crowded room filled with people wearing suits? No thanks! Sign her up for meaningful conversations about feelings and how humans are desperate for more authentic connections.
Over the years Rachel has worked at several respected fundraising consulting firms, and has also been a key part of the BC SPCA’s dynamic and highly integrated direct response fundraising team. She now focuses on creating compelling copy and telling great stories through her business, Pen with a Purpose.